In Memoriam

Requiescat
in Microundis.

XVI · V · MMXXIII — XXVIII · I · MMXXIV

He held the warmth of a thousand reheated meals.

He absorbed the rage of a Challenger jungler.

He gave his life so we could clip the moment.

Light a Candle

scroll · to mourn · to revive · to believe

Chapter I

The Life

XVI · V · MMXXIII

The Origin Throw

On the sixteenth day of May, in the year of our snowball MMXXIII, Kesha hurled him across the room.

The throw was clean. The arc, almost holy. The PC, unfortunately, broken. The clip was titled, in the plainspoken liturgy of Twitch: "KESHA THROWES MICROWAVE AND BREAKS PC."

witness the first throw ↗

VI · VIII · MMXXIII

The Summer Truce

By August, the rivalry had names and chapters. Kesha declared, on Facebook of all places —

"I FINALLY WON THE FIGHT AGAINST THE MICROWAVE."

It was a lie. The microwave returned. Battered, scorched, but humming. The saga had only begun.

Chapter II

The Loss

XXVIII — I — MMXXIV

“there goes the microwave”

On the twenty-eighth of January, 2024, the original appliance gave way. Thirty-seven thousand of his closest friends watched it happen on Instagram. One hundred and thirty wrote to grieve.

Days later, Kesha posted the eulogy. The caption said what no one wanted to read:

“farewell to his microwave.”

That was supposed to be the end of the saga.
That was supposed to be the end.

witness the moment ↗ the eulogy ↗ the saga, in IV minutes ↗

Chapter III

The Movement

The bit lives. The bit must live louder.
Become a Believer. Light a Candle.
Help us bring him home.

—

candles lit · believers and counting

no email. no resale. just the count, and the wall of those who came before. brrrrr.

Chapter IV

The Covenant

— read aloud, where the chat can hear you —

We, the undersigned, do hereby believe.

We believe that on every stream, a microwave should sit. We believe that rage requires a target, and that target should be inanimate, replaceable, and ideally still under warranty.

We believe the saga did not end on the twenty-eighth of January, MMXXIV. We believe the saga is, in fact, only entering its second act.

We believe in the holy noise. The brrrrr. The snowball. The full ability power Nunu build that no theorycrafter would sanction.

We believe in the Friggebod and the small joys of a small shed. We believe in the conchetumare, wherever in Chile it may be hollered.

We believe a man and his appliance can hate each other and still be a love story.

We swear, on the four skull emojis of his obituary, that we will not forget. That we will not be quiet. That we will, when the moment is right, present this petition to its only intended reader and ask, plainly:

please. bring him home.

ratified, with the chat, in perpetuity

Chapter V